How to be Ace
A Memoir of Growing Up Asexual
by Rebecca Burgess
2020
When I requested my copy of Gender Queer, the public library website recommended that I might also like How to be Ace, so I went ahead and requested that too.
How to be Ace is primarily a graphic memoir, although briefly between chapters and in a slightly longer section at the end, Burgess gives a sort of 'Asexuality 101' that defines a few terms, shows some of the variety of ways that asexual people understand themselves, and makes a case for the importance of both an identity label and greater understanding from others.
Asexuality refers to a lack of interest in and desire for sex and physical intimacy. It doesn't imply anything about one's gender, and actually, after reading this, I'd be interested to find an account by an asexual guy, because the expectations men and women face regarding sexuality are different enough that it must be different to be a guy who is ace.
Burgess is British, and based on when she experienced the Great Recession, maybe about 5-10 years younger than me. In addition to being ace, she also deals with an anxiety disorder that sometimes manifests as OCD.
She tells of being bullied as a kid, having trouble making friends in high school, but then transferring to an art college at 16 (instead of staying in high school to do her A levels - British schools are a bit different than in the US) where she finally finds a community of friends. She graduates during the Recession, can't make a living as an illustrator, and eventually gets a job as a housecleaner for the upper class (possibly a good outlet, since her OCD had manifested as obsessive cleaning), which still lets her work on her art in her spare time.
For a long time, she struggles with the idea that something is wrong with her. In high school, the other kids all become interested in talking about dating and sex, but she never does. She has no particular interest in depictions of sexuality in media, and is acutely aware of all the messages that people generally want sex, want to form close relationships, want to have sex within those relationships, and often perceive the quality of their sex life as a microcosm of the state of the relationship as a whole (and of course, generally those messages are conveyed more judgmentally than I just said them.)
Burgess fears she isn't 'growing up' the way her peers are, and generally worries that she's 'broken' in some way. Even the therapist she sees for her OCD assumes that her sex drive will emerge after she learns to cope better with her anxiety. She tries dating a guy, but immediately begins avoiding him so they won't have to touch, eventually breaks up with him, and feels guilty about how she treated him. In college she gets close to a couple other people, but pulls away before getting close enough to date. After college, as a housecleaner, she eventually dates and moves in with another asexual woman. They have an emotionally intimate, non-physical relationship.
How to be Ace is probably teen-appropriate. It's much less graphic than Gender Queer, and Burgess's illustration style seems aimed at a younger audience than Kobabe's. I particularly liked the images of Burgess noticing characters on tv saying things like 'We've been on several dates but haven't had sex, maybe we aren't really a couple!' and 'We haven't had sex in 6 months, maybe he doesn't love me anymore!' The section at the end also notes that while Burgess herself mostly perceives a generalized cultural pressure to form sexual relationships, other ace people have experienced much more direct, personal pressure, including being sexually harassed or assaulted.
No comments:
Post a Comment